Michelle on the Rise

I always re-read the prior post before writing a new one. Entertaining, that. 

It’s like a time capsule as these posts come at long intervals. This time, it’s more like looking through a lens into a different universe.
Note the date: Friday, February 14, 2020.
[Cue “Yorktown (The World Turned Upside Down)” from Hamilton.]

From the narrow lens of my personal life (layoff, relocation, cohabitation, parenting) to the wide angle of the globe (pandemic, social unrest, environmental emergencies, volatile economics, contentious political climate, murder hornets) everything has changed. Then again, maybe it would be more accurate to say that the Universe has reminded us that change is the only constant.

Question: When the chalkboard has been erased, and the snow globe of life has been thoroughly shaken, what's a gal to do? 

Answer: She reinvents herself, of course.

To that end, I am participating in a class facilitated by Jana Van der Veer (writing/book coach extraordinaire, https://www.setyourmuseonfire.com/) called Fanning the Flames: Using Writing to Make Your Goals and Dreams Happen. She is teaching us that writing is a way to discover or excavate your dreams. We are learning to move closer to those dreams by uncovering what our dreams mean to us, by visualizing what they look like in fine detail, and by navigating self-sabotage. We are a small and mighty cohort exploring what it might look like to design our lives with greater intention.

So far, so good. 

I realized that I want to feel connected, alive, immersed, balanced, joyful, and grateful every day.
Connected…taking good care of my relationships and being open to communing with people I meet.
Alive…doing things that give me a thrill, or make me feel exhilarated, and appreciating that feeling.
Immersed…being present in whatever I’m doing at the moment.
Balanced…taking time to fill the well, which in turn helps me feel centered emotionally, mentally, physically.
Joyful…being open to delight, making space in my heart for gladness, and spreading it around to others.
Grateful…taking time to appreciate life’s many blessings.
 
The crazy part: I’d forgotten that I actually have control in these matters. 

It’s up to me to do the things that help me feel the things.
If I want to feel balanced, I need to take time to meditate. If I want to feel grateful, I need to write in my gratitude journal. If I want to feel connected, I need to call my mom or take ten minutes to snuggle with my honey. (Progress! I’ve incorporated these things into my life during the past week and I’m feeling the effects already.)

A more concrete desire cropped up over and over in my writing – to revive this blog – so here I am. And because “don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good” was the rallying cry of my last post, even if this one turns out to be as dull as dry toast, I’m committed to hitting publish. (Feel free to blame Jana entirely if you agree.)

New Year, New Post

I was updating my Blogger profile picture when I happened to notice the total number of posts I've written:
17.

Then I looked at the date of my first post:
May 3, 2008.

Oh dear.

I've only written 17 posts in the last almost 12 years? Why bother to continue?

Honestly, I'm not sure.

For whatever reason, I want to keep going. I want to start a regular writing practice. I think I can do it this time. (Surely I can improve upon my once-a-year track record.)

My secret weapon? A notion introduced to me by Gretchen Rubin on her Happier podcast:

Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

An imperfectly worded post once a week might just be better than a meticulously crafted post published never.

I will allow myself the freedom to write and release. And because the idea of committing to a regular schedule makes me want to crawl out of my skin*, I'll tell myself that I don't have to; I'll just write when I feel like it.

* In GR's Four Tendencies framework, this is a classic Rebel sentiment. Every time I take the quiz, though, the results are either Rebel or Questioner. Maybe the fact that I've taken the quiz multiple times points to Questioner?
Gretchen, feel free to weigh in!

The Voices In My Head

Sometimes, Facebook is a huge time suck.

This is one of those times.

AND...

Sometimes, something good comes out of that time.

Peter T., a high school friend, posted this priceless question:

When a person hears "voices" in their head, why do they always say "KILL!" instead of buy a pet or bake some cookies?

It got me thinking. What do the voices in my head say? This was my response:

[two voices arguing] 

"I'm hungry."

"..."

"I'm hungry."

"Heat up some soup."

"I don't want soup, I want pizza!"

"You were so excited to make that soup, remember? And you thought it was very tasty when you were done. Have the soup."

"I don't want soup. How about sushi?"

"You don't want soup? How about the Bolognese sauce? Heat up the Bolognese and some linguini."

"But I'm hungry *nooooooow*..."

"It'll take longer for sushi or pizza to get there than it will to heat up soup or Bolognese."

"But I want pizza! Or sushi! We deserve a treat!"

"We were over our dining budget last month. We had to take that money out of our travel budget."

"I don't care. I'm hungry and I want pizza."

"Would you rather have pizza, or go to Rome?"

"..."

"Fine. I'll heat up the stupid soup."

I have this type of conversation in my head every day. Or every other day.

Epiphany!

Let's say I eat out on Wednesday. By the time Friday rolls around, it doesn't *feel* like it has only been two days because I've already been through the above mental argument at least four times.

For next time:

How do I short-circuit the *want*?

I just wanted to tell you...

Four years and four months between blog posts. That there's a record! And one might reasonably ask, "Why bother?"

Why, indeed?

Because: The last time I wrote, I expressed an interest in taking guitar lessons.

Now I am a guitar player.

I know! Who would have thought? I, the queen of great ideas that never come to pass, actually rented a guitar, signed up for guitar classes at Swallow Hill, practiced once in a while, and now can play a small number of songs from memory and a larger number of songs with a chord sheet in front of me.

Naturally, I have so much more to learn. I don't practice nearly enough to get as good as I want to be. And yet, and yet...the difference between being outside the house at the window with my nose pressed up against the glass and being *inside* the house is staggering.

Later on I will wax rhapsodic about Swallow Hill, what a great school, wonderful community, and how many dear people I have met through that beloved place. I will ponder the power of saying yes to a dream. I will probably chastise myself for such a long absence. For now, this will do.

I just wanted to tell you.

Life Update #1

The Old College Try

A dear friend of mine and I have teamed up and created lists of things we’d like to attempt/conquer, things that take us out of our comfort zone. Playing guitar and singing are at the top of my list. Well, that’s not precisely true. They came out in the middle, which is curious because they are lifelong dreams of mine that I have
continually put on the back burner. [Insert preferred psychological theory here.] Anyway, since then, I’ve rented a guitar, and have picked out classes for which I’d like to register in both voice and guitar at Swallow Hill. Hurray for momentum!

The Artist’s Way

I am in the middle of Week Six, and now I remember why I enjoyed writing my morning pages: they keep me sane! At the same time I’ve felt a little crazier than usual, because the process causes you to reassess, excavate buried dreams, examine and question all kinds of things in your life. The cards have been tossed up in the air and now I’m waiting to see where they land. Oh, and just wait until Week Nine. You get to reread the pages. That’s when things get really interesting.


She's a Dance-Dance-Dance-Dance-Dancing Machine

I was a huge fan of old-school funk/R&B/soul music back in Massachusetts. When I moved here in 2003, I went searching for bands/venues that played that type of stuff; I couldn’t find any. Maybe I wasn’t looking in the right places. It seemed like there were only jam and bluegrass outfits, and suddenly I felt like an alien—the only person on Pearl Street in a black biker’s jacket while everyone else was wearing fleece vests. Without friends or boyfriends to lead me to some music that grooved, I stopped going out to clubs. Then a month ago I came across a group called
the Denver Funk & Soul Meetup. What a godsend. I’ve been out twice now—the
latter of which was to see Soul School at the Hoffbrau in Westminster—and all I
can tell you is that the experience was like water to my parched lips. Added bonus: meeting another woman who’s as crazy about dancing to that kind of music as I.


All in all, not bad for a month’s work! Stay tuned for the next installment. Perhaps I will have handled a non-poisonous snake by then (#24 on the list).

Do or Not Do...and watch out for the falling vending machine

I was reminded of the Yoda quote, and Yoda made me think of that hilarious Lipton Brisk Iced Tea commercial. But that's not what I'm doing here.

And what, pray tell, am I doing here? Starting. Again.

I'm really good at starting things. Ideas for projects pop into my head constantly. I'll be completely on fire for a concept.

"Oooh, I know! I'll do a word-and-pictures profile of the buskers on the 16th Street Mall! Won't that be fun!"

And then.

"What do I need to do first? Get a camera. What kind of camera? How good of a camera do I need? Can I get away with a Canon Rebel EOS? What if I spend the $500 on it and then realize I needed to get the fancier Nikon? Maybe I'll start with the interviews instead. I'll need a digital voice recorder. Let's Google that. Aw, man. $45 or $455? Maybe I'll watch another episode of 'The Brady Bunch' instead..."

The equipment quandry is just one reason not to start. There are all the other excuses: I'm afraid I'll suck. I'm afraid I'll suck and not know it. I'm afraid I'll suck and not know it until I'm at the open mike singing and then the next day someone has posted the debacle on YouTube.

When you come right down to it, it's all fear. The only thing I know to do when I'm in this state of paralysis / lethargy is just that: Do. Something. Anything. (For the love of God, anything!) To that end I have started to work with The Artist's Way again in tandem with a friend. To be honest, Morning Pages are the only part of the process I've done with any consistency.

I guess it's a start.

I'm Still Here

That's right. I'm still here.

What have I been doing for the last...two years? Oh, you know, stuff.

[cue crickets]

Lots of things have happened since then, and I will attempt to catch up. Just not today. I'm getting over the cold from hell and feeling exhausted. (I wonder if it's a sinus infection; the worst is over but some symptoms are just hanging on for dear life.)

Aside: I finally watched "Driving Miss Daisy"...can you believe it has taken me this long? I can't. Enjoyed it very much.

See you later.